Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
