yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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