I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
