I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
