He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
