you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize