You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
