So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
