Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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