Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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