we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize