i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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