If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
