he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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