i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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