U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
