Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
