with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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