Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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