I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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