I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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