Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
