apparently the secret to your success is patron
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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