is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
