what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
