My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
