U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
