I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
