I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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