K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
