therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
