So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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