i can't believe i had my finger in that
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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