today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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