I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
