sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
