I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
