The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
