The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
