I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
