i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
