I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
