apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
