I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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