it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
