I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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