Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
