I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
