mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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