Christians are straight up FREAKS
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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