I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
