i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
