i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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