I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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