In the future we'll all be gay
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
