Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
