Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
