Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
