sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
