I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
