My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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