My friends, they love my intelligence
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
