Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
