I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
