Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
