I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
